Namaste, Shalamar and Shakatak.
It is now the morning of Friday 12th February, yet as I wake in the cold and the murk, eyes heavy with sleep, the residue of Clinton Baptiste’s performance is still upon me. I endeavour to tap into the glowing embers of the spectral energy and see what I can channel.
As a testament to Mr Baptiste’s extraordinary gift and resonance, spirit pulls back the veil and is upon me like a dog with two dicks. This is the transcript of that remarkable event.
Me: Spirits? Spirits? Who hast thou sent through?
Spirit One: Oh hi, how lovely to be here! It is me, beloved children’s grizzly bear, Gentle Ben.
Me: Spirits? Spirits? Does Ben cometh alone?
Spirit Two: No, he’s here with his spectral companion Dennis Norden, and we nearly didn’t get here at all after a series of hilarious mishaps, that we in the business call bloopers.
Me: Yes, okay, thanks, Dennis. But spirits, if I may – I must ask a question of great import! Did you catch Clinton Baptiste Live last night?
[The wind howls, the window rattles in the casement, and the curtains billow out into the room.]
DN: If you’re asking me if I’m one of those people, who caught Clinton Baptiste last night…
GB (interrupting): Yes, I caught it, and found it to be rather edifying. It reminded of those carefree days when, as a cub, I would roam the forests of the Everglades, gorging on salmon, before Mater would call me back to the den, where I would dive into my books and study Proust.
Me: À la recherche du temps perdu?
GB: Well maybe, but Clinton’s hour did fly by, what do you think Dennis?
DN: I very much liked how Mr Baptiste interacted with his audience during the private readings, I have to say, if you were one of those people…
GB (clapping paws): Oh, weren’t those Top Trumps delightful! A wonderful departure from the more prosaic cards of the arcana tarot! And wasn’t William Regal just divine – in all his bile and venom? Quite delightful! My fur practically stood on end!
DN: I sat down with Frank Muir this morning, and the show was what we would describe as “wonderful times with wonderful people!” And wasn’t it nice to see Shergar coming through?
GB: I could tell you many a story about him, darling! Especially when he’s been on the saucepot with Keith Moon! Once, I was sat there minding my own business, simply devouring Rod Hull’s spare copy of Ulysses when along trots Shergar and Dougal, from the Magic Roundabout, absolutely three-sheets to the wind!
DN: Well, they are those kinds of people…
GB: Quite, Dennis, quite. Well, Shergar takes offence at something, mutters about Parnell and kicks me right in the nose! I swipe out with my great bear paw, only to get a claw full of Dougal’s voluminous fur, as he’s trying to nibble at my feet! I can giggle about it now, but for a while after, I had these two throbbing black eyes! That said, I had the last laugh! The following week, I won first prize at Prince Albert’s fancy dress party by rolling in flour and going as Ching-Ching the Panda.
DN (quipping): Queen Victoria was not amused – have you seen her Prince Albert?
[Silence briefly falls at this structurally compromised bon-mot.]
Me: But would you enjoy the spooky company of Mr Clinton Baptiste again?
DN: I think I am one of those people who would, yes. Could we bring Frank next time?
GB: Oh, I don’t see why not! I’ve seen them all you see, Helena Blavatsky, Edgar Cayce, Mystic Meg, all of them! I think Frank would love it, but he’ll want to bring Arthur Marshall, then things get complicated…
And with that, the spirits swirled back into the realm of shadow, and I was left alone in my bed, with only the memory of an excellent show to ponder.
Clinton Baptiste is a regular purveyor of such internet events, and they have been a lifeline for many over this last year or so. To find out more, check out www.clintonbaptiste.com or follow this spiritual master on Twitter at Clinton Baptiste (@realclintonb) / Twitter
Five stars indeed, but Mr Baptiste already knew that.
Simon Gary is the author of the comic novels “Gone to the Dogs” and “Thryke: The Man That Nobody Knew” which are both widely available and highly recommended!