“So, I think you are ready,” barked Hans. “Here today,” he continued, “for the first time on British Televisions, I shall reveal the true power of my Total Mind Workout Programme. Our subject, Victoria, was a confessed anatidaephobic. Now, after just thirty-minutes of exposure to my unique and patented programme, I declare that Victoria is ready for her ultimate test!”
The producer cut back to the sofa area, where the presenter and guests were watching.
“Yes, that’s right folks,” said Mrs Saturday-Night. “In just a few moments, Victoria will enter into our specially prepared booth, where she will be exposed to six geese, who have been specifically trained in high intensity staring. We would advise viewers at home not to build there own Anatidae Staring Facilities. Everything you see here has been purpose-built by skilled professionals. Hans?”
“Cut back to stage-right!”
“Thank-you Hilary. Now, Victoria. Do you feel ready to enter the booth?”
Victoria nodded.
“When you came into my care this evening, what was your anxiety-level over being watched by a member of the duck family?”
“I said ten,” confirmed Victoria.
“And what is it now?”
“Er, two.”
The crowd burst into spontaneous and rapturous applause, as dramatic music was piped into the studio.
“Then enter, Victoria, enter!”
“Cut to booth cams, and get some more sinister music!” cried the producer.
The screens around the studio kicked in as Victoria disappeared into the geese-holding structure. Observers held there breath and simultaneously thanked the television gods that they had not been picked. Then, they began to get restless. Up and down the country kettles were going on.
“This is no good!” cried the producer. “The National Grid is reporting a surge! Release the cobras on three!”
Simon Gary is the author of the darkly comic novels “Gone To The Dogs,” and its prequel “Thryke: The Man That Nobody Knew.” Both are available on this site! Go on, it can be our delightful secret!