Act One – Scene One
A MAN STANDS IN THE FOYER OR HALLWAY OF A PUBLIC BUILDING. HE IS DRESSED IN THE CLOTHES OF A VICTORIAN GENTLEMAN. HE SEEMS RELATIVELY WELL TO DO, BUT A COUPLE OF FRAYED HEMS BETRAY HIS WORKING STATION. HE CARRIES PAPERS UNDER HIS RIGHT ARM. HE APPEARS TO BE PSYCHING HIMSELF UP.
Murray: La la la la laaa. (clears throat) do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, so! Come on Murray, steal yourself. Just one more time. Just once more, then you can go off and retire to that rose edged cottage, that you have always dreamed of. (sniffs) Oh come now, you silly old fool. This is no time to get sentimental. You have done this many times before. Now; grip the door handle firmly, take a deep breath, shoulders back and command the room. Command it I tell you!
Act One – Scene Two
THREE MEN ARE SITTING IN A ROOM FACING A BOARD. EACH IS DRESSED RATHER SHABBILY, EVEN THOUGH THESE ARE THEIR BEST CLOTHES. THEY TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES, IN A LOW, INDECIPHERABLE MURMUR. MURRAY ENTERS STAGE RIGHT. HE THEN ADDRESSES THE ROOM:
Murray: Now settle down, settle down, we have a lot to get through on today’s course, so we must remain focused if you want to finish on time. Good, good, it looks like you are all here. I am Mr Murray, your trainer for this session. Just a small group today, so we should find it relatively easy to get through the materials. Okay, so some introductions? Could we start with you sir? Please give the group your name, and what you would like to achieve from the course. (points to first man).
Brown: I’m Brown, sir…
Murray (tuts): Not to me Brown, to your fellow delegates, address your companions!
Brown: Well er okay…well gentleman my name is…
Fisher: (interrupting) Sorry to interrupt sir, it’s just that we have already sort of done this sir, what with us all chatting somewhat before you got here sir.
Murray: (incredulous) Chatting somewhat before I got here? Oh well pardon me, to be sure! Then can I also assume that you are all experts in the course content and no longer require the expert tutelage for which you have all paid your registration fee?
Fisher: Well not exactly sir.
Murray: Then we shall start as I previously prescribed. Kindly divulge your name and what you wish to get out of this course! Begin!
Brown: Well I’m Brown, Sir and I should like to learn a trade sir.
Chapman: I’m Chapman sir, and I should like to learn a trade too sir.
Brown: Not fair, I just said that!
Chapman: Well I can have it too.
Brown: Is that right sir? Can he sir?
Murray: This will often happen Brown. A certain synthesis is to be expected. Try not to let it worry you, I’m sure you will both be equally successful. And you, on the end, Mr “I’m sorry to interrupt.”? Pray dazzle us with your insight?
Fisher: Well, I’m Fisher sir, and I too…
Murray: (interrupting) Would like to learn a trade?
Fisher: Why, yes sir! (aside) He’s good, isn’t he fellas? We should be rolling in it in no time!
(Murmurs of assent from the room.)
Murray: Settle down, settle down. Whilst enthusiasm is to be admired, you are now entering a world of the utmost seriousness. You have all shown interest in what can be a tough, but ultimately rewarding profession. People you once knew may shun you. Doors may slam in your face. Small dogs may nibble your extremities, but through all these trials, gentleman, you may take solace in the fact that you are doing work of national importance…work for which you will be handsomely compensated!
Are you with me?
(Fisher, Brown and Chapman all cry out, giving a cheer and shouting ‘yes’.)
Murray: Good, good, because I need your full commitment here. Are you ready to commit?
(Fisher, Brown and Chapman all cry out with a further ‘yes’.)
Murray: Then gentlemen, I declare that we are ready to continue with the first section in our course “Press Ganging for the Modern Navy 101”, or as I call it “How to Impress Family, Friends and Inconvenience People.” So, the first topic (writes on board) “Prioritisation, Planning and Stratagems.” So, our first group discussion. What does this mean to each of you?
Brown: Well Prioritisation – would that be picking the most suitable target sir?
Murray: Excellent Brown, first class! And how might we do that? Chapman?
Chapman: (thinking) Would er…would that be the one who…
Murray: Go on Chapman.
Chapman: Would that be the one that is most drunk, sir?
Murray: (intake of breath through teeth) This is a common misconception Chapman, and one we must be at pains to dispel. Whilst inebriation is certainly our friend, we cannot go about impressing willy nilly. (Brown raises hand.) Yes, Brown.
Brown: I was going to say sir, we must choose exclusively from the able bodied and those who have some boating experience sir.
Murray: Very good Brown, very good. It appears we have a real natural here gentlemen. Do tell Brown, to what do you owe your impressive skills?
Brown: Well I’ve been read all your pamphlets sir. It’s been my ambition to come on one of your courses since I was a young laddo sir, it really has. I can’t actually believe I am here sir. I had to pinch myself upon arrival sir.
Murray: Well I am glad that I am finally able to facilitate your wishes Brown. I do appreciate the recognition of my efforts within the field. Even if my methods are not as flash as some.
Fisher: (raising hand) How many men have you actually pressed sir?
Murray: (dismissive) Mr Fisher, one simply does not count. One cannot and one must not. But if I were forced to estimate, I would say…a conservative 347.
Fisher: 347?
Murray: Yes.
Fisher: And what became of them all?
(A few seconds of silence ensues. Murray seems distracted and distant.)
Murray: (upstage, to himself) We are not monsters for what we do. We do that which is needed, to keep the country strong, to give our children a chance to live in peace. We are not monsters for what we do.
Chapman: Sir?
Murray: A conservative 347 gentlemen, a conservative 347. But there is one, one they say who has topped my tally more than twice over. He is a shadow, a faceless fiend, my nemesis. Men the county over dare not say his name.
Brown, Chapman, Fisher: (in unison) Maldini!
Murray: (angrily; throws chalk across the room) Mention not his name I say! And neither quibble over my human score. My hands are clean in comparison. Each night can I sleep with quiet surety. We cannot allow our minds to dally over that fates of those that we have chosen. We cannot. Do you understand?
Brown, Chapman, Fisher: (quietly) Yes sir.
Murray: Louder gentlemen!
Brown, Chapman, Fisher: (louder) Yes sir!
Murray: Better. Now, with that distraction out of the way, we must return to our studies. Brown, remind the group where we were!
Brown: Prioritisation, planning and stratagems, sir.
Murray: Indeed Brown, indeed. We have learned, from Brown, that we must be selective. We must only pick those that we feel can add value to the service. Those men that are strong of body, those with some maritime skills and experience, those that are upstanding, honest and tall. You (pointing to Fisher) what is your name?
Fisher: Why, Fisher sir.
Murray: Exactly, exactly. So, within what trade may your forebears have been engaged?
Fisher: I’m sorry, sir?
Murray: Brown, help him out.
Brown: He means what job would you ancestors have done. For you to have that name, and all?
Fisher: Well, how I am supposed to know that?
Chapman: Oh I see! You’re talking about those fellas from where we may find the richest pickings, so to speak. Like fishermen!
Murray: Excellent Chapman, excellent. This is prioritisation. You all live here, in Gosport, primarily a fishing town. This is the pool from which you may recruit your talent. Brown, where are you likely to find these fellows relaxing of an evening?
Brown: Why, I would reckon, I would reckon at the Trawlerman’s Arms, sir!
Murray: Again, another valuable contribution Brown. Very good, yes, at the Trawlerman’s Arms. And this is where I will introduce a little bonus for this course. We are, this day, to have an experiential module for, at the end of the day’s studies and exertions, we will adjourn to the Trawlerman’s Arms for a live, Impressing simulation activity!
Brown, Chapman, Fisher: Cor! Wow! Great!
Murray: Do we all think that would be useful?
Brown: That would be amazing sir, we would all be very much appreciative of that, sir.
Chapman: Especially if you are standing the first round, sir!
Fisher: Huzzah for our Mr Murray, what an all-round gent!
Brown, Chapman, Fisher: Hooray for Mr Murray! Hooray!
Murray: Now, now. We have a lot to cover before then, so we must remain focused! I shall indeed stand that first round gladly, given that we complete the course materials. Now, we have spoken of selection. Our focus is the fishermen of the town. Secondly, we have planned. We have reviewed our demographic and have selected a venue where they shall be most relaxed and present in the greatest population density. So, where in our cycle of pressing do we progress to now?
(Hmms and ahhs from the delegates.)
Murray: (tapping the board with a new piece of chalk) Think back to the title of this module…
Chapman: Would it be…no…
Fisher: Is it planning?
Murray: Good try Mr Fisher, but we have covered planning.
Brown: (excitedly) Stratagems sir! By gosh, it’s stratagems!
Murray: Exactly Brown, exactly!
Chapman: Bah!
Fisher: We might have known you’d get it!
Brown: I was only answering…
Murray: (interrupting) Brown, stop! Chapman, Fisher – you are both directing bemusement at Brown, as he has correctly answered another question. But, I shall be advising Brown to absorb it! You will come up against much worse when your new occupation comes to light. I, for one was not welcome at an Aunt’s funeral some years ago.
Fisher: That’s terrible, sir!
Murray: Perhaps Fisher, but I had pressed her only son. He was only not seriously wounded when he returned, but still they held it against me. But the learning point is this. To be successful in this calling, we must control our emotions. We must, as Brown has done, be willing to accept the derision of others. Gentlemen, does this make sense?
(More murmurs of assent and whispers of ‘sorry Brown’ are heard from the course delegates.)
Murray: Now Fisher, I believe we were with you. Pray open the discussion on stratagems.
Fisher: Starter gems?
Murray: (emphasising) Strat-a-gems, Fisher. Schemes, ploys, modus operandi. We have the ‘who’, we have the ‘where’, stratagems are how you formulate and implement the ‘how.’
Fisher: I’m still not sure what you’re getting at sir.
Murray: Think Fisher. Visualise. You are in the Trawlerman’s Arms, the fisher folk are merry. You spot one, detached from the herd, confused and alone. How would you convert the opportunity? How would you make the press?
Fisher: Oh right, I get the question now sir. You must think me incredibly slow on the uptake. Well it would be…well, I would, erm…
Murray: Can anyone help Fisher out? Chapman, perhaps you?
Chapman: Well, like he says sir…would it be…would it be….er, whacking them over the head, sir?
Murray: (incredulously) Whacking them over the head? Whacking them over the head? Do you think this is the Dark Ages, Chapman?
Chapman: But sir, that’s well-known sir. The press-gang get their man by whacking him over the head with a cosh, sir.
Murray: (exasperated) Who else agrees with Mr Chapman?
(Fisher and Murray both raise their hands. Murray shakes his head, sadly.)
Murray: So, you all believe this to be true? Even you Brown? He for who I once held such hopes?
Brown: No sir, I was raising my hand to point out that there is a lot more to it than that, sir.
Chapman & Fisher: Leave it out Brown. That’s jolly poor form.
Murray: But Brown is correct, once more gentlemen, and on this issue, doubly so. Is it any wonder that impressment officers have such a poor public image? One does not simply whack a man over the head.
Fisher: Well I’m really confused now. I’ve spent the last six weeks whittling a lovely cosh, I have.
Murray: (continues) The topic you are addressing gentlemen is called cranial discombobulation. In itself, it is something of an art form, though still a highly risky gambit. In that instant, one must judge pace, angle, resistance, and so many other variables that success or tragedy comes upon the fluttering wings of a whim.
Brown: He’s right. I heard about a press man who went to the gallows when he whacked a man too lusty, like.
Chapman: Oh, give it a rest Brown. What would you know?
Fisher: Yeah Brown, I’ve had about enough of you too.
Murray: (interjecting) Gentlemen, gentlemen! This is not time for squabbling! This will not get us any further with our studies. I sense that this would be a good time for a break. Let us calm ourselves, re-focus and return in fifteen minutes. Refreshments will be available in the foyer!